Journeys end in lovers meeting..

"I have no other but a woman's reason:
I think him so, because I think him so."

The Two Gentlemen of Verona (I, ii, 23-24)


Nothing ends well. Ever. Is it a sin to love someone? All I ever wanted to do was love.. I've cried in happiness.. cried in pain. But I did not expect I'd have to cry in sadness.. how much can a person cry?

Corrected? Wronged? Blamed? Does anyone even want me to live? Leave alone needing me.

I've seen people.. believing I'm with them, when all I want to do is stay away. But what about people who want to stay away not believing that I love them? Unjust.

LOVED AND LOST..

There lived a girl
Who lived a happy life
Turned her head towards the sky
She felt she was alive

Life went on..
With strifes and happiness
No-one could see what she was inside
Except a few, who knew she was always right

There came a curve
Happiness drifted away
The girl still went strong
Her tears washed away

People still knew she was right
They said she had the might
She believed them
Looking away from the wreckage

Life went on..

Till one day
Out of the blue
Her dream came true
She was a person who hardly knew
Life could be as good as new

How coud she know
That of all the people in the world
Her love would be the one
To think she does not love him so

Days went on..
Months too
But he never did believe her
She thought he knew

But he never did
And he never will
The girl cried
For days and nights long

How could she make him see?
All she ever did was love
To breathe, to be
He was her everything

Promises they made
Words they shared
Disappeared into thin air
When he didn't care

He'd reminded her of happiness
Of the better things in life
Of being together
Even in the awful strifes

What happened to the valour
The girl couldn't live
Without the boy on her side
But he didn't believe

He didn't believe the pain
He didn't believe the agony
He didn't believe the Love
All she gave was turned to waste
To see the end of her story

She'd die for another word to say
But she knows she has to keep shut
If she wants to live anymore
She doesn't want any more hurt
From the dream she loves so much more

The words pierce like a dagger
They thrust into her heart
The very heart that loves him
Even when he's far..

But she still dreams
Of a better tomorrow
Of a happy smile
Of the day when..

She'd look towards the sky
And feel she's alive.
Spending her days of happiness and sorrow
With the Love of her Life.

Paranoia

Here's the fear.. the fear before I shake my head and it goes away. The melancholic fear the everything has an end. Even fear, goes dead. Forever.. don't mind that it was a dream err.. nightmare. It just was one. A new one.

She could smell the winter already. It all seemed very familiar, somehow like the lake. The lake she loved with all her heart. But her sight seemed foggy. It was the lake, but it was not the lake. The water was the same? Nothing else was. A land where not many people came.. somewhere personal. Where only fear lived. Only her dreadful thoughts thrived on the water, under the water. All around.

Nothing. All around there were just trees and deathly silence. There were hundreds of trees but no birds. She could see the water, but yet she could not hear it. It was as if no-one had been here yet. A place not yet discovered? But she had lived her all her life. Finally, when her thoughts vanished into nothingness. She set around looking for someone because she couldn't remember how she had come here. And why was she alone.. she wasn't supposed to be alone.

Turned around and there it was. Shapeless and yet interesting. A house? A cottage? But wait, it had no colour. Like everything else.. it was lifeless. As she went closer she could hear laughter. Cheery laughter at first, exactly as if they had won. Won what? She had no idea. She heard girls. Girls inside the building.

Opened the door and stepped in. They didn't look around and she was glad at that. Turned out to be some place like a cafe.. a coffee shop. A bakery, maybe. She could see a lady at the counter. Reluctantly she moved ahead. But instead of feeling warmer being inside a heated room, she felt a chill move through her spine and rest there.

"Excuse me?", she said to the lady at the counter, unsure of who she was.
She turned around, an expression of slight disgust on her face.. somehow troubled at being disturbed. She glared at her questioningly as if somehow threatening her to go away.

"Um.. nothing. Sorry." She thought it would be better if she just went about her business. But why was she here? Better if we talked to the girls seated at the table. One glance and she was shocked. She knew them. She knew them all. She didn't know what to do. Duck away? Go ahead? Or just plain nothing?

Her memory went back as far as she could remember. It's been years.. they're at school. No.. now they're not at school. She's just about to get into her room. It's them. They're telling him to push her. And he does, he does what he's told. Blackness. But from the corner of her eyes she saw the teacher. She had seen everything. Now they'll get to know. She curses, for the first and the last time in her life.

Strange recollection. Back to the room. One of them glances across at her. She's still standing, unable to understand anything. They all look up from their shrieky talk and smile at her. Smiles.. she saw them and smiled again. They turn back to each other and she knew. She knew that.. they were snickering at each other. Some went as far as baring their teeth. Oh, how she hated them. But yet..

She goes back some years.. recollects.. it's their school. Some years later. Back to class after PE. They'd won. She was happy, she changed her opinions. Exchanged them for something less hateful, more friendly. They're friends. Every one of them. Life's good.

Back to the heated room. She wants some air, but if she goes out she'll freeze. It seems impossible how it can get stuffy so soon. One of them gets up from the table. She recognizes her. Her best friend? Ex-best friend? What does she want? As if on second thoughts, she rolls her eyes and sits down again.

Another faint memory of being sad. Crying in her room.. with nothing but pain.
How could they do that? She's thinking. Can't find a reason good enough. Collapses on the floor and she knows she can't get up. She has no-one.

It was just then that they all turn to a girl she didn't know. Someone new, their new friend. New. She gets up innocently goes around the room stealthily, she can just look at the girl and do nothing. Glued at the spot somehow she waits on helplessly as the girl mananges to push her and she's sprawled on the floor. Writhing with pain. Agony. Helplessness.

The lady from the counter sees it all. She comes to the girls and asks them about whatever they did. "What was that? I think I need an explanation."

"Uh.. what did we do? We didn't do anything. I don't know but.. some people just tend to be very stupid." one of them says, mockingly. And they all laugh.

"You do know her! You've been together for years.. right?"
"Oh yes. We know her. Hmm.."
Mutterings.. a few hoarse laughs. The classic fun out of pain formula.
Followed by bellowed laughter.. increasing so much that it gets impossible to bear.

She rushes out of the door. Freezing cold and it's got a lot darker. But the cold darkness gave immense comfort. She sees a hooded figure approach her. And she knows that it's herself she's seeing. And then she realizes. It's no fun hiding away your fears. They won't go away from her that way. She has to face them. Accept it.

One fine nightmare.. she has always been wrong. Wrong in everything. She swears she won't forget the days when she was sad.. for a few seconds of bright happiness she sees now and then. Never ever. She can't go on trusting anyone blindly.

And when two persons live one life. They're one. And she failed at seeing what it was. She was wrong again. Goodness does not prevail. Love does. Love. It's what goes the world go round.

She wakes up with a jerk as if something inside her pulled at her. She gets back to reality. Crying silently. Crying maybe for the first time.. first time for a real reason. First time she realized something right. She did. Cried. And is still crying.

Till the day she understand the world she was born in and the world she has made for herself.

Calling The Conundrums

One can just get tired of living their lives, not entirely wishing that they had someone else's but just that their's isn't worth living anyway. People get tired of circumstances they've got themselves into or maybe.. the circumstances have just woven around them themselves. Not ready to budge, not ready to move out of the way.

Life is just a dream, however you try to believe not to.. it's just certain that even a small noise can wake you up. It's not seeing the reality, it's losing yourself. In a bad, bad, mean way. Lose your dream, lose yourself. Lose your life.

Love your life. Love your dream. Love yourself. Learn to love, love to love :)

That's all there is to it. But again, it's not as simple as it seems to be when you've got a whole lot of noises trying to break into you. Trying to break you to pieces while you shut them out, shut your eyes tighty.. keep them away. Keep them away. Please.. keep them away.

Unexpected happiness is all you can wish for, when the dream turns to reality. The worst part is.. no-one can just wish for happiness. Wishful thinking. It comes by itself. As it has to. Someone has to bring it in. Usher it in while there's still time.. still time..

Those who choose not not go by their own views of life.. wonder how they live. Mind's frequencies.. intutions? Anything at all? Head first into what ain't right. Turn themselves into robots.. slaves to the system of the rights and wrongs.

The make-believe world ain't bad if it got you survivin' till the last :)
It's not make-believe though. It's the light of life. What does it take someone to bow down to everyone else.. accepting everything without a question? Nothing. As easy as that. Unquestionable rules, ways to know if someone's as good as you. As good as it gets. As good as the worst.

A Noise comes along.. the welcome it as just a "hard" part.. the rough path. A passing phase, oblivious to the fact that maybe it's not what they think it is. Maybe it's a way of life showing them what they actually are inside. Giving them a call to understand what they are. They are their own problems. But there aren't any problems at all.. we make them up. It's just you trying to be You. Someone you really are. Not just someone everyone else has turned you into. That's sad.

As soon as the moment we're born.. we're critisized for everything we do. Anything under the shining sun. Gets very, very critical when you've already grown up. They tell you to behave like kids, they tell you to grow up. They tell you to do what they want. They tell you to follow your heart. Make up your mind, please. We aren't puppets.

Going by my way.. looking at life through thin air. By my naked eye. Face to face.
It says.. "You're on your way.. on your way. But just a sec, turn right for Life and left for The End."

Undreamed Reality

I don't know what you mean. But I know I don't live my illusions. If I did, I wouldn't have gone miserable looking at the reality.. I wouldn't have tried not losing hope if I didn't know what actually happens. All my writing's gone to you..

And you don't care. Why do I even care to do things.. I don't do it for myself. Not just my writing, everything revolves around you. Everything. I can't get the act straight. If it was not so.. what am I doing writing again? Feeble attemp at making you understand which should not go vain. Whatever happens :(

I never tried writing, it just came, but now I do. Thoughts got too complicated to be written in simple sentences. I can't send brain waves around to get to let you know what the "truth" is actually.

Only if I think.. I had someone like me. Is it supposed to go all berserk after your deams come true.. or can you just undo the move? What do I have to do to make you see?

The only truth is see now is-- this has to be a long story. A biiig story.. 700 pages. Hehe. One long happy story. Don't go away. So I just stop thinking that nothing can be hoped for. I never knew my talk was so inconvincing. But if it is, my fault.


Sorry. I'm not perfect :(

Smells Like The Spirit

I'm losing it.. losing it all. Very soon, I won't have anything left. Bereft. Alone. Like I was, like I'm supposed to be. Don't bother anyone.. live happily. I've received the blame, I've heard it all. I've loved and lost, and then lost.. and loved. I say, live our illusions and love them too.

But I hope life isn't one. One BIG illusion where everyone's just tryin'.. tryin' and tryin' to be someone they aren't. I was always myself, but then, they say, Change is Good. And yes, I believed THEM. I believed them. That's not me!!

It's a feeling you get when you open your eyes in the morning and then you just have yourself. And someone in the back of your mind shouts.. "Go Girl! You've finally stopped loving yourself.. that was bound to happen once you forgot who you are." And then tears don't stop.

Tears won't stop, not until life would. I would. I'll stop. You'll see.

Day by day, night by night.. second by second. I see myself going away into the distant darkness which is not mine. My darkness has been replaced by Light. And I know change isn't needed when you love yourself.

It's like you get this brand me picture.. you love it. Then someone comes and changes a bit of it, here and there. Adding their personal touches. Then the edges start fading. Nothing stops it. But you aren't supposed to stop loving the picture. But then, I don't feel it's mine anymore. But I heard it right.. it said.. "You've stopped loving yourself.. where has your love gone?".. and I said "I don't know."

"You live for others now. Why?"

"I don't know."

"Don't cry, kid. Things would be the same again."

"But I guess I don't want them to be."

"See.. you've lost it. Never be the same again?"

"I know.. lost myself. I don't know."

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.