11 October 2007


Here's the fear.. the fear before I shake my head and it goes away. The melancholic fear the everything has an end. Even fear, goes dead. Forever.. don't mind that it was a dream err.. nightmare. It just was one. A new one.

She could smell the winter already. It all seemed very familiar, somehow like the lake. The lake she loved with all her heart. But her sight seemed foggy. It was the lake, but it was not the lake. The water was the same? Nothing else was. A land where not many people came.. somewhere personal. Where only fear lived. Only her dreadful thoughts thrived on the water, under the water. All around.

Nothing. All around there were just trees and deathly silence. There were hundreds of trees but no birds. She could see the water, but yet she could not hear it. It was as if no-one had been here yet. A place not yet discovered? But she had lived her all her life. Finally, when her thoughts vanished into nothingness. She set around looking for someone because she couldn't remember how she had come here. And why was she alone.. she wasn't supposed to be alone.

Turned around and there it was. Shapeless and yet interesting. A house? A cottage? But wait, it had no colour. Like everything else.. it was lifeless. As she went closer she could hear laughter. Cheery laughter at first, exactly as if they had won. Won what? She had no idea. She heard girls. Girls inside the building.

Opened the door and stepped in. They didn't look around and she was glad at that. Turned out to be some place like a cafe.. a coffee shop. A bakery, maybe. She could see a lady at the counter. Reluctantly she moved ahead. But instead of feeling warmer being inside a heated room, she felt a chill move through her spine and rest there.

"Excuse me?", she said to the lady at the counter, unsure of who she was.
She turned around, an expression of slight disgust on her face.. somehow troubled at being disturbed. She glared at her questioningly as if somehow threatening her to go away.

"Um.. nothing. Sorry." She thought it would be better if she just went about her business. But why was she here? Better if we talked to the girls seated at the table. One glance and she was shocked. She knew them. She knew them all. She didn't know what to do. Duck away? Go ahead? Or just plain nothing?

Her memory went back as far as she could remember. It's been years.. they're at school. No.. now they're not at school. She's just about to get into her room. It's them. They're telling him to push her. And he does, he does what he's told. Blackness. But from the corner of her eyes she saw the teacher. She had seen everything. Now they'll get to know. She curses, for the first and the last time in her life.

Strange recollection. Back to the room. One of them glances across at her. She's still standing, unable to understand anything. They all look up from their shrieky talk and smile at her. Smiles.. she saw them and smiled again. They turn back to each other and she knew. She knew that.. they were snickering at each other. Some went as far as baring their teeth. Oh, how she hated them. But yet..

She goes back some years.. recollects.. it's their school. Some years later. Back to class after PE. They'd won. She was happy, she changed her opinions. Exchanged them for something less hateful, more friendly. They're friends. Every one of them. Life's good.

Back to the heated room. She wants some air, but if she goes out she'll freeze. It seems impossible how it can get stuffy so soon. One of them gets up from the table. She recognizes her. Her best friend? Ex-best friend? What does she want? As if on second thoughts, she rolls her eyes and sits down again.

Another faint memory of being sad. Crying in her room.. with nothing but pain.
How could they do that? She's thinking. Can't find a reason good enough. Collapses on the floor and she knows she can't get up. She has no-one.

It was just then that they all turn to a girl she didn't know. Someone new, their new friend. New. She gets up innocently goes around the room stealthily, she can just look at the girl and do nothing. Glued at the spot somehow she waits on helplessly as the girl mananges to push her and she's sprawled on the floor. Writhing with pain. Agony. Helplessness.

The lady from the counter sees it all. She comes to the girls and asks them about whatever they did. "What was that? I think I need an explanation."

"Uh.. what did we do? We didn't do anything. I don't know but.. some people just tend to be very stupid." one of them says, mockingly. And they all laugh.

"You do know her! You've been together for years.. right?"
"Oh yes. We know her. Hmm.."
Mutterings.. a few hoarse laughs. The classic fun out of pain formula.
Followed by bellowed laughter.. increasing so much that it gets impossible to bear.

She rushes out of the door. Freezing cold and it's got a lot darker. But the cold darkness gave immense comfort. She sees a hooded figure approach her. And she knows that it's herself she's seeing. And then she realizes. It's no fun hiding away your fears. They won't go away from her that way. She has to face them. Accept it.

One fine nightmare.. she has always been wrong. Wrong in everything. She swears she won't forget the days when she was sad.. for a few seconds of bright happiness she sees now and then. Never ever. She can't go on trusting anyone blindly.

And when two persons live one life. They're one. And she failed at seeing what it was. She was wrong again. Goodness does not prevail. Love does. Love. It's what goes the world go round.

She wakes up with a jerk as if something inside her pulled at her. She gets back to reality. Crying silently. Crying maybe for the first time.. first time for a real reason. First time she realized something right. She did. Cried. And is still crying.

Till the day she understand the world she was born in and the world she has made for herself.