Blah Blah.

I wonder if how we feel right in the morning is how we truly feel deep inside all the time. Or is that just our reaction to our sub-conscious thoughts that welled up in the dreams. But after I'm fully awake and then "count my blessings" instead of thinking of what I don't have that I start getting normal. But till then I think that empty, sinking feeling of that something missing is the strongest. Right after I wake up and right before I go to sleep.

I don't want it to go away.. experiencing it is a delight in itself. Ironic but, it is.

Then I think of things I have to do and have to see.

Positive people must have a huge capacity to control their feelings and an immensely strong will power if they can do it. Poor positive people.

I think it's better to be true to you feelings than suppress it and bottle it up. And forget about it. They have to be considered one day or the other. Now or later.

I really goof up too much. And I make mistakes. And I mess things up. More for myself than anyone else. Considering I'm left to sort it out. Which is cruel. But it's correct. So let's see..

But I can't understand certain people either. Selfish, selfish people. They can't be both, true and not true to their emotions, simultaneously too. Is it so hard taking a single viewpoint in personal relationships and sticking to it. Is that mature. Or the opposite. I am immature and I stick with my feelings. I don't think that's childish. If loyalty and perseverance is a childish trait. It gets translated to stubbornness. Well, all right.

Saying that one's life is in one's own hands is not completely correct. Some choices are made by others. Free will is a b*tch. Excuse my French. Yeah but then no one can change mine either. So it's fine I guess.

I thought it sounded true that you can't just stop loving someone. When you love a person it is for ever. Love is not a weak feeling. Like feeling like having ice cream after dinner. Nah, I'm way too full right now, I'll have ice cream tomorrow instead.

Relationships are not part-time jobs. Oh wait, I even wrote a cheesy poem on it. Sounds like a drunken pop song. But here it is : (It is no award-winning piece, neither it may even make much sense, But I'll RISK it. This is SO much fun :P)

No electricity
MP3 player gave up on me
Whiling away my time
Writing sh**ty poetry

I want someone
Take me for a 24/7 dream
Not a part time job
To take on
When you need extra green

I'm no lunch break
A break from the job
I wanna be the vacation
That never ends at all

Full time, front line
Paparazzi and the limelight
You can be it all
Just give me a sign

I don't wanna be the
Washed up one hit wonder
A Diva is forever
Which really makes me wonder

Was I a break from life
Just a shoulder when you cried
But your life itself
Is what I want to be

I'm not ashamed to ask
And neither should I be.

This was added later, so not to mess up the flow :

Your life itself
Is what I want to be

You said I was
But things change too soon
You ordered a side-dish
But they didn't have any left

You're stuck
With a five-course dinner
But you're on a diet
Which is really sad

So you go on to buy it
You take a teeny bite
"Man, the food's really fine
But well, I can't sit to dine

I have a lot of work to do"

You rise and without a look,
Go away into the night
The food will be flinged
Right into the dustbin

You'll be at your table, writing
Man, it really, really stings.

The Cobain-ness Left In The World Today

It was precisely the summer of '06 when I first heard the the very first lines on Smells Like Teen Spirit and I was hooked.. the music being the least about it. Impressionable teens is such a cliche but there's a whole lot of truth in it. And rockstars are not bad role models, if we know exactly what about them we like.

To a certain limit life is influenced my music, movies and books. And there are some people you look up to. Dead or alive. In the case of Nirvana and Cobain, first it was the raw music, then the symbolism in the music videos, the lyrics after that and then whatever I could gather from his quotes and any little bit of information I could find.

There is a certain affinity I find with the man that I share with a handful more people. Sadly, they are not people I see everyday or talk to. Or I don't think that is even possible, ever. My latent thoughts were echoed through the quotes I read and they became legit. They just materialised from thin air into letters on my laptop screen. Three very strong examples I would give may be Nietzche, Oscar Wilde and Cobain.

I have fallen in love with Nirvana multiple times and it is such an engaging love that is rare. First it was the raw emotions of Teen Spirit. Then the angst in You Know You're Right and the complicatedness and utter complexity exuding out of Heart Shaped Box. Lithium is a song which I can safely pick out to be my life's background music.

Cobain's feelings towards his fans' adoration as inferred from his suicide note strike a chord. And his "Peace, Love, Empathy" lay on a profile I made on a website for a number of years and will surely be used again on paper sometime soon. Being empathetic is a rare gift and I've been accused of being it on occasions and for most people it translates as a setback 'cause generally emotions are not mixed with most things. "Productive" or "Necessary".

But emotions are the essence of life, and for a hundred people being apathetic, clinical and mechanic, there's one me living on emotions and feeding on it. And I will live on it. Wait and see.

On the darker side.. he was a misanthrope, as I see it is the only way to live 99% of the time. But thank goodness for certain people life ain't so bad. Non-conformity and taking a stand against fakeness. I sometimes sound like a broken record.. but there's not enough telling people what it has all come to. So taking a u-turn and living in Misanthropia is a far, far better option.

I remember spending the whole summer listening to Nirvana and Guns N' Roses and sometimes shedding tears which had no personal meaning to me I remember wondering why the heck am I crying but crying anyway.

The biggest help was knowing that being different does not mean being wrong. And being wrong does not mean that it has to change. The wrongs and the rights in this world are relative. And everyone deserves a chance to show the Cobain-ness in them and be hated for what they are, than be loved for what they're not.

So here's to you, Kurt. To the man who sold the world.

Influencing generations on generations of legions of fans and followers. R.I.P.
You will be missed. For ever and ever more.

Peace, Love, Empathy.

Some quotes of him I love:

I'm too busy acting like I'm not Naive. I've seen it all, I was here first.
I miss the comfort in being sad.
Rather be dead than cool.
The duty of youth is to challenge corruption.
The worst crime is faking it.
Thought the sun is gone, I have a light.
We're so trendy we can't even escape ourselves.
It's better to burn out, than to fade away.
Birds are and always have been reincarnated old men with Tourette's syndrome having somehow managed to dupe the reproductive saga. They fuck each other and tend to their home repairs and children while never missing their true mission. To scream at the top of their lungs in horrified hellish rage every morning at daybreak to warn us all of the truth. They know the truth. Screaming bloody murder all over the world in our ears, but sadly we don't speak bird.
I use bits and pieces of others personalities to form my own.
Assassinate the greater and lesser of two evils.
Wanting to be somebody else is a waste of the person you are.
Television is the most evil thing on our planet. Go right now to your TV and toss it out the window, or sell it and buy a better stereo.
Thank you for the tragedy. I need it for my art.



The list is long.. I wish it could be longer and he were still alive today.
I cannot even start with my favourite lyrics, maybe some other time.

The Suicide Note -

The text :

To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

Don't read this. It isn't meant to be read :D

This is probably one conversation that will never happen for a number of reasons. Many reasons including fear, indecisiveness, fickle-mindedness, the eternal last drop of hope that never really evaporates and a thought that will never become a story.

It abysmally stops short of the pen hitting the paper.. and what's left are the respective hand and sore fingers that have been hovering painfully for a long, long time. A very long time indeed.

These kind of sticky situations don't seem humane AND human enough. It's either I should be living in some other planet or I've been transported here for some reason or the other. Some remaining last specimen of a very rare species.

Too much introspection and too less action. Thinking of acting on my far fetched plan of the so-called changing the world and the very many closely related things on my to-do list, you won't find this one even there. It's NOT there.

It'll never be done.

Is it just something like the stuff that's never really supposed to happen and words that should be left unsaid? I really don't know. I have no idea. Maybe it's more of the kind of redundant hope that I won't tire of, and run short of.

Wow, I can't wait for dinner more than 5 minutes when I need it right THEN but I can wait a lifetime for something that could possibly make me happy instead of me going right out front and ASKING it to make me happy.

I know there are some things you have to ask for. And demand. And insist upon. But love's certainly NOT one of those.

Love sought is good, but given unsought is better. - Shakespeare

And when you've done it once.. specially a person like me. You end up quizzing yourself for life if and what would've happened if you didn't force and initiate it.

Maybe the feeling needs more cementing and thinking about. It's just SO conflicting. Or maybe it's waiting for just the right moment to strike. And the right circumstances. Sometimes it's not all about right here right now.

And it's about imaginary conversations with a real person. Is this against the law or something? I wish it was, anyway. Imaginary conversations. And wishful scenarios. Thought up laughs and funny lines. It oh so heavenly but it ain't real. And that's what matters eventually.

It's pathological. Positively.

And if you happen to have a single or even multiple chances of having the same conversations, would you be disappointed? Surprised? In a good way or a bad way? This is very mental stalker-ish. Well, the person doesn't really get to know this. I guess unless they read this post. Which is not entirely unlikely.

But I think it's just better if you let it be. As the Beatles put it. And it's never too bad considering a second opinion. But then enters the question that doing something about it could be life changing and phenomenal. Movie-like twists, you know. Who doesn't like and actually want them?

I'm a drama addict anyway. I can do with some more. The conversation I intended to post here is well, still bubbling away in my brain. Fragments of a LOT many conversations down in the depths. A huge cauldron full of mixed emotions and thoughts. With dreamy smiles and dreamy eyes. And thinking about if I'm giving away more than I should be, writing this post here.

Does it happen that you feel a certain connection. Or maybe it's all in the mind. But then everything is in the mind. Physical ropes don't bind people together. How DO you prove that there's chemistry without even talking to someone? Or maybe just barely?

This is going to mess me up. Or maybe already has. I like to be messed up though. I should do something about it.

Or maybe not :D

What am I?


Building castles in the air is better than being homeless on the ground.

No Offence. *No Sarcasm*

It gets tiring. And there's a certain limit to how far someone can go. Without sounding too ridiculous. When will labels cease to exist and when will people stop judging, grading, and classifying things. The world should just be switched on to the Critics' mode and we could just snatch up Popular, crumple it, stomp on it and burn it up.

It sounds rather authoritarian and dicator-ish, but the world is waiting to be held and worked and moulded in intelligent hands, not on what sounds okay and what's been acceptable for a long time, or what's just liked by people around you. "People" are just that. People.

It irks me when intelligent ones depend on popular opinion. The world's going nowhere without individual thoughts and not the herd mentality. One by one everyone could be doing the same, wrong thing until somene wakes up and makes them realise that the right way is the other path.

If there isn't one already, make one.

On "following", one person does wrong and another three join him, and then another twenty, it just SETS the deed as something that's acceptable and eventually the "right" thing to do. If everyone is doing it, it is NOT that it is the right thing. It's just that people stopped using their brains sometime ago and now they're tools for some stupid person who has simple no idea of what he's done, is doing and will probably continue to do so for maybe a LOT more time to come.

That leads to redundant, unsuccesful attempts at change and eventually the changers get tired, think about - "can't beat 'em- join 'em" and then finally cease to exist. Perseverance as a virtue is not much seen though as a vice, it's the norm. If you get benefitted that's what you keep doing.

It's all about you, you and you. And not about what happens outside you. Yourself too is all about the exterior other see and what they cannot see is the tumultous relationship you have with yourself inside. And sometimes you can't even feel it and you choose to ignore it, which is perceptually a good decision but in reality, it's far from it.

A call to the conscience it just what everyone needs. Every one of the "people" out there.

Agood example could be Gandhi. I refuse to revere him personally by calling him Mahatma. I study History and I conclude he was just a person, and what he said and wanted, appealed to the selves, the egos of the "people" and they thought they could benefit from the consequences, thus they liked him and followed him. His principles struck true.

They needed freedom, he was an instrument to get it. No, I refuse to think that every one of those people were as noble as him and could sacrifice their whole lives as he did for the greater benefit of humankind. No they could not. Or else we could find a million more Gandhis to stop what is happening and change the world.

But we don't. "People" want to live their lives. They want to grow up, get a good job, get rich, have an attractive partner, a couple or more kids, lead a good life and die peacefully in their sleep. They need just that. And to have that they needed the freedom to get that life they wanted. Thus they needed someone to get them there.

Once you live in India, you start loving the way you live even if it's not the best way and patriotism, mixed in your blood can never make you say a word against your country. So you gently and carefully try to mend things, all undercover. You do not question it out loud. Just as you would never go and shout at your parents' face on something you think they did wrong. That's just morally wrong and cannot be done.

These are the set rules and the norms. India's a country. Your parents are humans. And sometimes subtlety just does not do it. Bottling up something ends up in more harm being done than good. It has to come out someday and in the case of the country, I hope it is some day soon.

People live in whimsical fantasies and rely on Gods which are probably and positively someone's fantasy. Harry Potter and Ram are in the same picture for me. No, no superhumanperson sitting in the sky can grant wishes. Alladin's genie and Vishnu are the same then. Sorry I burst your pretty holy bubble. Or maybe I just bruised it a pretty shade of black and blue. I hope.

The class 12 history textbook is enough to cement my theories that our culture is a potpourri of mildly exaggerated folk tales and simpe whimsical characters who came about with just too much free time and little children who were eager for good bed-time stories.

But smell the coffee, "people", you are not a kid. And you need something more solid and palpable than a blind faith in a omnipresent entity. Like air, yes. Can you depend on the air you breathe to change say, the political situation India has? No, air is there for you to breathe. Gods are there to exist in the holy books. As characters. And nothing more. It's actions and not prayer which leads to change.

Another conclusion I come to is that "people" are just a group of very lazy people who would just rather depend on their very "rich" culture and tradition, sit back and reminisce while their present and future lies dark and dank and empty. What was once.. was there once. And it's just like a family heirloom, which was lost centuries ago but still you're SO proud and arrogant that you once had it.

But face it, you can't live on it.

Majority if village, small town and good part of the urban Indian youth grow up on cheap bollywood films, nonsensical songs and non-existent food for thought.. books are to be there in the libraries. And thinking is for thinkers. It's like saying studying is for people trying to get their phDs. They started somewhere years ago. And well, if you don't, your story ended before it started.

Sorry, sir. But you just killed my hope.

Laments of a Dreamer

Being a dreamer is very inconvenient. Especially when the light switch is across the room, the weather cold and the time is 1:35 in the night. Poems come whispering to you at the unearthliest hours. Sometimes humming and buzzing like an irritating mosquito, trying to get a place to sleep, in the hollow of your ear. And you can't just slap it away and go to sleep.

Poetic paranoia is another such disease that gets in the way of living. When I can't just let the lines go and let them come to me again at a later date. That just isn't possible. I have to get up, groaning, repeating the lines to myself and scatter around stuff on my already very messy study table and rummage for a piece of paper somewhere. And then look for a pen that works.

And when you're so habitual of the sound of the keyboard, thank god for the blessed old fashioned paper. And specially when you have switched on and off your laptop at least a dozen times in the day already.

You get tired. You want to go to sleep. But your mind doesn't stop. It doesn't stop making plans that will never be implemented. And dreams that will never be realised. Not even in the dream's dreams. It fantasizes with the current favourite sappiest song there is with your current favourite person, in a ridiculously fantastical scenario.

It thinks up a movie-like storyline. Which will probably be forgotten, substituted by a more ridiculously thought-out plan that will again be fantastically substituted. It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

It keeps you away from the dreadful reality but brings it back to you transforming it like an ugly-beast-to-handsome-prince story or a rags-to-riches one. Subsequently you get disappointed and tired, and give up just to start dreaming in another five minutes.

But just on rare occasions, some incidents take you to another part of your dream which is in actuality real, and it's better than you can fantasize or dream of. It's the moments like these that you live for. And hope that you can continue to live for them.

Dreams come and they go. And they come again..

Sometimes you just want to shout at it to STOP but you don't. Because it's just the way it is. That's who you are.