Nostalgia's a funny thing. It's always in this sepia-coloured faded sort of background, the landscape of the days and the years. Old and faded, folded around the corners, crumpled in places ..
It's like a song which keeps playing in your head. On the loop. Never stopping.
What with all the old, smiling, wise faces, the part which I know as well as the back of my hand. And sometimes I'm scared of a bright, shiny new character popping up on the screen in my head. Which really doesn't belong there.
But something brighter and new keeps coming up. And like a naive, innocent, stupid child I stare into it instead of shielding my eyes like one ought to. It hurts.
Untried, unstested. New and alien. It's like a blotch, overpowering the comforting smell of nostalgia, keeping you awake like a bad dream does. Only except you don't know if it's good or bad.
It thrills and leaves you wishing it were true. When you look back and see that you've got all that you need.. it comes snapping back at you.. whispering your own words in your ear. And sometimes you revel in the glory and sometimes you back away from it.
Shut your mind to it. And try to hum the song that always played in your head. But there's a new song now. A new feeling. A new meaning. It's like ecstacy.
But most of the time, it hurts. It hurts because you know you aren't supposed to do it. Time has made you wise, almost like the wise faces in your old photograph. But you are not them. And you wish "time" had been different.
That you could still be the naive innocent, stupid child that stares into the brightness, and lets it engulf her being. Burn her to the core. But now she's shielded, she's strong, she can no long do anything wrong.. because she knows.
The present's a void I'm not pressed to fill in. It exists like an empty room. Unwanted. Un-needed. It's like an extension of the past, a few metres behind the starting line, the past's like the starting credit of a movie, and the future's the beginning of the end credits.. I picture the first line in white against black as they start rolling in.
And the movie could be a tragedy, a comedy, drama.. or a genre that hasn't even been invented yet. I just hope I can figure it out well before the end.
It takes you on a ride.. smashed you up in a freak accident. And then pushes on as if nothing ever happened. It's like a circle that has no end. It's like thar bright red dot on a sepia background.
The only downside to my condition is that there's not much to write without a perspective. Confusion does nothing. I don't do anything. I'm stuck. And it's just there.