The Dust of Happiness Settling On Everyday Life

She sat there on the balcony, looking down on the garden which boasted of a dozen roses, dahlias, sunflowers.. a light green hedge which was starting to overgrow. Her eyes wandered to the lone white plastic chair and table lying there. She smiled. On the ledge below here, a cat lay looking over the garden as she did, probably looking out for innocent prey. She had three kittens to feed. The girls whistled and then meowed at the cute creature. She looked up. Yellow eyes with dark green, even emarald pupils, a pink nose with a snow white mouth while her whiskers twitched violently for a few seconds. Delicate ears through which the sun shone through.

The girl rested her chin on her folded arms and smiled at the beautiful creature. And then looked up at the sky, signs of rain. Signs of happiness. Signs of peace. She thought, if she wasn't an atheist, she'd have prayed for some rain too. The birds chirped heartily in the trees surrounding the house and two squirrels played on the metal gate's narrow width. The trees swayed in unison and it felt as if they were cheering for the same team somewhere. The squirrels? They're cheering for one of the squirrels, she thought silently. She looked at them again, they were racing down from a tree, like young children free of all wickedness, happy to the core.

She turned to go back inside, but she couldn't decide. Then she smelt smoke in the air. Hints of smoke, someone burning leaves. She'd seen the sight innumberable times, neighbours burning leaves in heaps behind their backyard or a little outside the main gate. She didn't like it. She turned back anyway, and sat down on a chair. Her eyes rested on the calender hung on the wall. A painting, it showed a village scene. Some with axes, some dancing, some together just happy, a group of people talking, a lone tree with a peacock on it. Her eyes wandered aimlessly and much to her dismay, there was the television. She mocked at the ugly block of sheer stupidity. How it blared in this room, as night fell, as the others sought happiness in useless junk which wasn't alive and which rotted their brains with unimaginative garbage.

She glanced up at the picture of a beautiful place, a temple, with a purple sky. It mixed up beautifully with purplish-white.. golden yellow and then deep red as she looked down towards the temple, which was lighted with hundreds of earthen lamps. As she sat mesmerised by the sight, she heard a soft clinking behind her. Turning around, she saw the cat which has come up by the balcony and had now made her way to the dogs' food which lay near the bed. There she was, looking straight at the girl's face with the same yellow eyes, a paw's distance away from the food and a paw raised to complete that distance in a second. The girl sat there silently, not moving an inch, acting like a statue. She didn't mind if the cat ate some of the food, unlike her mother who resented such actions. The girl hardly breathed while the cat slowly stretched out her leg and finally had a taste of the food.

How graceful the creature looked while doing anything, be it even blinking. The girl wonderingly thought what made her blink so slowly. The phone rang and she started, hastily reaching out for the phone and tripping it over while trying to grab it, unsuccessfully. The cat stood there alarmed. It was her mum on the phone, and she put it down, she saw the cat move away slowly, as she had come. Probably, she thought, the room wasn't as safe and quiet as she had thought. Another wickedness of technical advancements. She sighed and went out to look for the cat, which was nowhere to be seen.

She decided to quit and return to the room and stood infront of the mirror, which had become quite a habit of late. She stared at the dark mane of hair and fingered them listlessly and then thought of how he had brushed them the day before. How lovingly, and as she recalled it, she thought it must be a dream. And that a flicker of wild imagination had caused her to think of this story. But it was true. No wild imagination, just pure reality. Pure blissful reality. She closed her eyes and thought how she had felt. Feeling weak in the knees, she leant on the bedpost and smiled to herself. Clenching her hands together hard, she sighed happily. Life wasn't so bad as she'd thought, after all. She closed her eyes and her mind wandered far away to where it usually resided when she was away from anything or anyone else.

The phone snapped her out of her bliss and as she picked it up, brought her back to a more blissful reality than a merely blissful dream. Long live Love.

Winter Blues

Haven't read a single book since days. The last one I read was 'Web of Deceit' - Glenn Meade, after 'Rosie' by Alan Titchmarsh. A typical contrast, the same pattern. Light and funny to dark and broody. Been reading a lot of random blogs. Oops, I mean.. just looking at some random blogs. Didn't find much to read, more of pictures than words. Not good. Family photographs to far out amateur football teams. Phew. In addition, every other blog's in whats-it language which gets on my nerves. Can't I just find some friggin' inspiration without experiencing these out of the world, totally awesome.. HEADACHES!!

With the temperature dropping like never before, the depression meter increasing like alwayyys.. it goes without saying how the exams add to it. And to add to it all, I'm probably missing my last ever school trip! :(

Nevermind, I'll get something better to do. Maybe I'll get my head to start working and complete the next post for the story. If you've got time, just go through the first one and if you think it's good.. just comment. I won't know if ANYONE has read it if I don't see comments. No, this is not a plot or something. Witty, eh? :p

You'll find the new blog on my profile. Or if you're really lazy, like me, here it is: http://vermilliontranquility.blogspot.com/

Winter has never been THIS cold since 15 years, atleast. I guess. By the way, Happy Republic Day, people!! :)

Here Without You..

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

Helpless.. :(

It gets too confusing when I've been bursting to say something for hours.. to utter one word of regret, of hopelessness, of misery and all I can do finally is.. to be happy.

?????

What is it supposed to mean?
Vain? Careless? Inconsiderate? Maybe.

But what is it then.. thoughtlessness.. gosh, you're so thoughtless.

Is it not really right to make someone your "everything"? When they're gone.. you have nothing. When they're with you and not with you. Incomplete. Everything seems unrequited. What exactly is it all supposed to mean?

Far too serious to be called a joke and far too funny to be called serious.
Never thought I'd feel lonely, being the luckiest person in the world.
Have I been thoughtless or is what I see thoughtlessness? No-one to blame but just everyone to hate.

Journeys end in lovers meeting..

"I have no other but a woman's reason:
I think him so, because I think him so."

The Two Gentlemen of Verona (I, ii, 23-24)


Nothing ends well. Ever. Is it a sin to love someone? All I ever wanted to do was love.. I've cried in happiness.. cried in pain. But I did not expect I'd have to cry in sadness.. how much can a person cry?

Corrected? Wronged? Blamed? Does anyone even want me to live? Leave alone needing me.

I've seen people.. believing I'm with them, when all I want to do is stay away. But what about people who want to stay away not believing that I love them? Unjust.

LOVED AND LOST..

There lived a girl
Who lived a happy life
Turned her head towards the sky
She felt she was alive

Life went on..
With strifes and happiness
No-one could see what she was inside
Except a few, who knew she was always right

There came a curve
Happiness drifted away
The girl still went strong
Her tears washed away

People still knew she was right
They said she had the might
She believed them
Looking away from the wreckage

Life went on..

Till one day
Out of the blue
Her dream came true
She was a person who hardly knew
Life could be as good as new

How coud she know
That of all the people in the world
Her love would be the one
To think she does not love him so

Days went on..
Months too
But he never did believe her
She thought he knew

But he never did
And he never will
The girl cried
For days and nights long

How could she make him see?
All she ever did was love
To breathe, to be
He was her everything

Promises they made
Words they shared
Disappeared into thin air
When he didn't care

He'd reminded her of happiness
Of the better things in life
Of being together
Even in the awful strifes

What happened to the valour
The girl couldn't live
Without the boy on her side
But he didn't believe

He didn't believe the pain
He didn't believe the agony
He didn't believe the Love
All she gave was turned to waste
To see the end of her story

She'd die for another word to say
But she knows she has to keep shut
If she wants to live anymore
She doesn't want any more hurt
From the dream she loves so much more

The words pierce like a dagger
They thrust into her heart
The very heart that loves him
Even when he's far..

But she still dreams
Of a better tomorrow
Of a happy smile
Of the day when..

She'd look towards the sky
And feel she's alive.
Spending her days of happiness and sorrow
With the Love of her Life.

Paranoia

Here's the fear.. the fear before I shake my head and it goes away. The melancholic fear the everything has an end. Even fear, goes dead. Forever.. don't mind that it was a dream err.. nightmare. It just was one. A new one.

She could smell the winter already. It all seemed very familiar, somehow like the lake. The lake she loved with all her heart. But her sight seemed foggy. It was the lake, but it was not the lake. The water was the same? Nothing else was. A land where not many people came.. somewhere personal. Where only fear lived. Only her dreadful thoughts thrived on the water, under the water. All around.

Nothing. All around there were just trees and deathly silence. There were hundreds of trees but no birds. She could see the water, but yet she could not hear it. It was as if no-one had been here yet. A place not yet discovered? But she had lived her all her life. Finally, when her thoughts vanished into nothingness. She set around looking for someone because she couldn't remember how she had come here. And why was she alone.. she wasn't supposed to be alone.

Turned around and there it was. Shapeless and yet interesting. A house? A cottage? But wait, it had no colour. Like everything else.. it was lifeless. As she went closer she could hear laughter. Cheery laughter at first, exactly as if they had won. Won what? She had no idea. She heard girls. Girls inside the building.

Opened the door and stepped in. They didn't look around and she was glad at that. Turned out to be some place like a cafe.. a coffee shop. A bakery, maybe. She could see a lady at the counter. Reluctantly she moved ahead. But instead of feeling warmer being inside a heated room, she felt a chill move through her spine and rest there.

"Excuse me?", she said to the lady at the counter, unsure of who she was.
She turned around, an expression of slight disgust on her face.. somehow troubled at being disturbed. She glared at her questioningly as if somehow threatening her to go away.

"Um.. nothing. Sorry." She thought it would be better if she just went about her business. But why was she here? Better if we talked to the girls seated at the table. One glance and she was shocked. She knew them. She knew them all. She didn't know what to do. Duck away? Go ahead? Or just plain nothing?

Her memory went back as far as she could remember. It's been years.. they're at school. No.. now they're not at school. She's just about to get into her room. It's them. They're telling him to push her. And he does, he does what he's told. Blackness. But from the corner of her eyes she saw the teacher. She had seen everything. Now they'll get to know. She curses, for the first and the last time in her life.

Strange recollection. Back to the room. One of them glances across at her. She's still standing, unable to understand anything. They all look up from their shrieky talk and smile at her. Smiles.. she saw them and smiled again. They turn back to each other and she knew. She knew that.. they were snickering at each other. Some went as far as baring their teeth. Oh, how she hated them. But yet..

She goes back some years.. recollects.. it's their school. Some years later. Back to class after PE. They'd won. She was happy, she changed her opinions. Exchanged them for something less hateful, more friendly. They're friends. Every one of them. Life's good.

Back to the heated room. She wants some air, but if she goes out she'll freeze. It seems impossible how it can get stuffy so soon. One of them gets up from the table. She recognizes her. Her best friend? Ex-best friend? What does she want? As if on second thoughts, she rolls her eyes and sits down again.

Another faint memory of being sad. Crying in her room.. with nothing but pain.
How could they do that? She's thinking. Can't find a reason good enough. Collapses on the floor and she knows she can't get up. She has no-one.

It was just then that they all turn to a girl she didn't know. Someone new, their new friend. New. She gets up innocently goes around the room stealthily, she can just look at the girl and do nothing. Glued at the spot somehow she waits on helplessly as the girl mananges to push her and she's sprawled on the floor. Writhing with pain. Agony. Helplessness.

The lady from the counter sees it all. She comes to the girls and asks them about whatever they did. "What was that? I think I need an explanation."

"Uh.. what did we do? We didn't do anything. I don't know but.. some people just tend to be very stupid." one of them says, mockingly. And they all laugh.

"You do know her! You've been together for years.. right?"
"Oh yes. We know her. Hmm.."
Mutterings.. a few hoarse laughs. The classic fun out of pain formula.
Followed by bellowed laughter.. increasing so much that it gets impossible to bear.

She rushes out of the door. Freezing cold and it's got a lot darker. But the cold darkness gave immense comfort. She sees a hooded figure approach her. And she knows that it's herself she's seeing. And then she realizes. It's no fun hiding away your fears. They won't go away from her that way. She has to face them. Accept it.

One fine nightmare.. she has always been wrong. Wrong in everything. She swears she won't forget the days when she was sad.. for a few seconds of bright happiness she sees now and then. Never ever. She can't go on trusting anyone blindly.

And when two persons live one life. They're one. And she failed at seeing what it was. She was wrong again. Goodness does not prevail. Love does. Love. It's what goes the world go round.

She wakes up with a jerk as if something inside her pulled at her. She gets back to reality. Crying silently. Crying maybe for the first time.. first time for a real reason. First time she realized something right. She did. Cried. And is still crying.

Till the day she understand the world she was born in and the world she has made for herself.