Silent.

Silently
Suffering
Slashes of
Sweet sacrifices
Sometimes simple
Something suffices
Silently
Shredded sheets
Stoic squeeze
Sunshine that stoops
Steers
Sneers so, sees
Slipping off
Summits of surety
Surprising smiles
Surrendering to
Scenes of
Silent singing
Simpering, soft
Soliloquies
Settling to
Stuttering lies
Standing
Sitting
Stunned
Silently
Time flies
Someone's left
Silently,
Binging on byes.

Futile.

A hundred hours
Of solitude
Wearing away at the edges
Lost
In the multitude
Twanging
Like
A rusty guitar
Staring
at a
Sad little star
Fear
Draining out
Seeping from
Under the door
You see it now
Now it's no more
A wild
Enigma
Is what's in store
The train of thought
It finally stopped
The life
It halted.
It's all
So faulted.

Blah Blah.

I wonder if how we feel right in the morning is how we truly feel deep inside all the time. Or is that just our reaction to our sub-conscious thoughts that welled up in the dreams. But after I'm fully awake and then "count my blessings" instead of thinking of what I don't have that I start getting normal. But till then I think that empty, sinking feeling of that something missing is the strongest. Right after I wake up and right before I go to sleep.

I don't want it to go away.. experiencing it is a delight in itself. Ironic but, it is.

Then I think of things I have to do and have to see.

Positive people must have a huge capacity to control their feelings and an immensely strong will power if they can do it. Poor positive people.

I think it's better to be true to you feelings than suppress it and bottle it up. And forget about it. They have to be considered one day or the other. Now or later.

I really goof up too much. And I make mistakes. And I mess things up. More for myself than anyone else. Considering I'm left to sort it out. Which is cruel. But it's correct. So let's see..

But I can't understand certain people either. Selfish, selfish people. They can't be both, true and not true to their emotions, simultaneously too. Is it so hard taking a single viewpoint in personal relationships and sticking to it. Is that mature. Or the opposite. I am immature and I stick with my feelings. I don't think that's childish. If loyalty and perseverance is a childish trait. It gets translated to stubbornness. Well, all right.

Saying that one's life is in one's own hands is not completely correct. Some choices are made by others. Free will is a b*tch. Excuse my French. Yeah but then no one can change mine either. So it's fine I guess.

I thought it sounded true that you can't just stop loving someone. When you love a person it is for ever. Love is not a weak feeling. Like feeling like having ice cream after dinner. Nah, I'm way too full right now, I'll have ice cream tomorrow instead.

Relationships are not part-time jobs. Oh wait, I even wrote a cheesy poem on it. Sounds like a drunken pop song. But here it is : (It is no award-winning piece, neither it may even make much sense, But I'll RISK it. This is SO much fun :P)

No electricity
MP3 player gave up on me
Whiling away my time
Writing sh**ty poetry

I want someone
Take me for a 24/7 dream
Not a part time job
To take on
When you need extra green

I'm no lunch break
A break from the job
I wanna be the vacation
That never ends at all

Full time, front line
Paparazzi and the limelight
You can be it all
Just give me a sign

I don't wanna be the
Washed up one hit wonder
A Diva is forever
Which really makes me wonder

Was I a break from life
Just a shoulder when you cried
But your life itself
Is what I want to be

I'm not ashamed to ask
And neither should I be.

This was added later, so not to mess up the flow :

Your life itself
Is what I want to be

You said I was
But things change too soon
You ordered a side-dish
But they didn't have any left

You're stuck
With a five-course dinner
But you're on a diet
Which is really sad

So you go on to buy it
You take a teeny bite
"Man, the food's really fine
But well, I can't sit to dine

I have a lot of work to do"

You rise and without a look,
Go away into the night
The food will be flinged
Right into the dustbin

You'll be at your table, writing
Man, it really, really stings.

The Cobain-ness Left In The World Today

It was precisely the summer of '06 when I first heard the the very first lines on Smells Like Teen Spirit and I was hooked.. the music being the least about it. Impressionable teens is such a cliche but there's a whole lot of truth in it. And rockstars are not bad role models, if we know exactly what about them we like.

To a certain limit life is influenced my music, movies and books. And there are some people you look up to. Dead or alive. In the case of Nirvana and Cobain, first it was the raw music, then the symbolism in the music videos, the lyrics after that and then whatever I could gather from his quotes and any little bit of information I could find.

There is a certain affinity I find with the man that I share with a handful more people. Sadly, they are not people I see everyday or talk to. Or I don't think that is even possible, ever. My latent thoughts were echoed through the quotes I read and they became legit. They just materialised from thin air into letters on my laptop screen. Three very strong examples I would give may be Nietzche, Oscar Wilde and Cobain.

I have fallen in love with Nirvana multiple times and it is such an engaging love that is rare. First it was the raw emotions of Teen Spirit. Then the angst in You Know You're Right and the complicatedness and utter complexity exuding out of Heart Shaped Box. Lithium is a song which I can safely pick out to be my life's background music.

Cobain's feelings towards his fans' adoration as inferred from his suicide note strike a chord. And his "Peace, Love, Empathy" lay on a profile I made on a website for a number of years and will surely be used again on paper sometime soon. Being empathetic is a rare gift and I've been accused of being it on occasions and for most people it translates as a setback 'cause generally emotions are not mixed with most things. "Productive" or "Necessary".

But emotions are the essence of life, and for a hundred people being apathetic, clinical and mechanic, there's one me living on emotions and feeding on it. And I will live on it. Wait and see.

On the darker side.. he was a misanthrope, as I see it is the only way to live 99% of the time. But thank goodness for certain people life ain't so bad. Non-conformity and taking a stand against fakeness. I sometimes sound like a broken record.. but there's not enough telling people what it has all come to. So taking a u-turn and living in Misanthropia is a far, far better option.

I remember spending the whole summer listening to Nirvana and Guns N' Roses and sometimes shedding tears which had no personal meaning to me I remember wondering why the heck am I crying but crying anyway.

The biggest help was knowing that being different does not mean being wrong. And being wrong does not mean that it has to change. The wrongs and the rights in this world are relative. And everyone deserves a chance to show the Cobain-ness in them and be hated for what they are, than be loved for what they're not.

So here's to you, Kurt. To the man who sold the world.

Influencing generations on generations of legions of fans and followers. R.I.P.
You will be missed. For ever and ever more.

Peace, Love, Empathy.

Some quotes of him I love:

I'm too busy acting like I'm not Naive. I've seen it all, I was here first.
I miss the comfort in being sad.
Rather be dead than cool.
The duty of youth is to challenge corruption.
The worst crime is faking it.
Thought the sun is gone, I have a light.
We're so trendy we can't even escape ourselves.
It's better to burn out, than to fade away.
Birds are and always have been reincarnated old men with Tourette's syndrome having somehow managed to dupe the reproductive saga. They fuck each other and tend to their home repairs and children while never missing their true mission. To scream at the top of their lungs in horrified hellish rage every morning at daybreak to warn us all of the truth. They know the truth. Screaming bloody murder all over the world in our ears, but sadly we don't speak bird.
I use bits and pieces of others personalities to form my own.
Assassinate the greater and lesser of two evils.
Wanting to be somebody else is a waste of the person you are.
Television is the most evil thing on our planet. Go right now to your TV and toss it out the window, or sell it and buy a better stereo.
Thank you for the tragedy. I need it for my art.



The list is long.. I wish it could be longer and he were still alive today.
I cannot even start with my favourite lyrics, maybe some other time.

The Suicide Note -

The text :

To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!