22 September 2007
Smells Like The Spirit
I'm losing it.. losing it all. Very soon, I won't have anything left. Bereft. Alone. Like I was, like I'm supposed to be. Don't bother anyone.. live happily. I've received the blame, I've heard it all. I've loved and lost, and then lost.. and loved. I say, live our illusions and love them too.
But I hope life isn't one. One BIG illusion where everyone's just tryin'.. tryin' and tryin' to be someone they aren't. I was always myself, but then, they say, Change is Good. And yes, I believed THEM. I believed them. That's not me!!
It's a feeling you get when you open your eyes in the morning and then you just have yourself. And someone in the back of your mind shouts.. "Go Girl! You've finally stopped loving yourself.. that was bound to happen once you forgot who you are." And then tears don't stop.
Tears won't stop, not until life would. I would. I'll stop. You'll see.
Day by day, night by night.. second by second. I see myself going away into the distant darkness which is not mine. My darkness has been replaced by Light. And I know change isn't needed when you love yourself.
It's like you get this brand me picture.. you love it. Then someone comes and changes a bit of it, here and there. Adding their personal touches. Then the edges start fading. Nothing stops it. But you aren't supposed to stop loving the picture. But then, I don't feel it's mine anymore. But I heard it right.. it said.. "You've stopped loving yourself.. where has your love gone?".. and I said "I don't know."
"You live for others now. Why?"
"I don't know."
"Don't cry, kid. Things would be the same again."
"But I guess I don't want them to be."
"See.. you've lost it. Never be the same again?"
"I know.. lost myself. I don't know."
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.